Monday, October 09, 2006

Dispirited

EVERY Monday I'm dispirited.
EVERY Monday of this year I mean, and it's ALWAYS after the art course.

=_=

I just DON'T have any T*A*L*E*N*T. 'Nuff said. T_T

We were supposed to draw a damned still life consisting of 2 boxes, 1 can & 1 plastic glass on the table and of course we had to pay attention to the perspective and mine SUCKED A BIG FUCKING DEAL. Not even 40% of those fucking lines were correct. The angles were all wrong. The box1 looked weird and the box2 on the box1 looked as if it wanted to fly away from the paper. The can was too far from the boxes and it had a weird shape. So did the glass.

FUCK. IT.

I'm looking at the LKW's Graphic Design & Multimedia course and slowly dying inside knowing that neither Cenfad nor LKW will become true.

I'll try.
I'll try hard, even though after each art class I feel like the worst shit.

And if I don't get there, I'll shut up and go try some Mass Media or Marketing or some Linguistics....
And if I get there, I'll seriously start to believe in God, fairies, mermaids, elves and ghosts.

*sigh*

I WISH I'll get there.
HOPE.
WANT.
I've been drawing for almost my whole life, it just can't be that I'll end up as some linguist and whenever I'll be flipping thru any pointless mag for dispirited poor housewives (myself in 30yrs), I'll look at the ads with eyes full of tears, bang my head on the table and wail aloud: "Noooo!!! AAaaaaaHH!!! WHY hadn't I gotten *there*?!?! WHY?! Why were I so lazy?! Why had I given up so easily?!?! WHY OH WHYYYYY???!!!!??"

I've realized the uncertainity and misery of my future few days ago when I was happily walking to my TOEFL prep course and I had the TOEFL book in that black Limkokwing University bag in which Raymond brought me the materials about LKW.

You possibly can't feel what I felt. @_@

I felt a scary emptiness. Yes, and a fear.

You see, I'm NOBODY. I have never earned a single koruna of my own, I'm dependant on my parents, I'm not even 18 years old, I live from what they earn, I don't even have the high school education completed - I'm NOBODY.
And here this NOBODY was walking to the TOEFL course (paid by mother) in nice clothes (paid by mother), holding a black bag with proud, white letters telling the whole word that *this* is the bag from the Limkokwing University. As if the Nobody Girl were already an uni student.
HA HA HA HA!
Ain't that funny, considering that the Nobody Girl would be lucky even to pass maturita?!?!

*dies in depression*
=_=

Okay.

I.
MUST.
STOP.
THIS.
WAILING.

I've found three PERFECT encouragement quotes here *click*:

Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.


I'm loving it.
Gonna print it out in BIG letters and hang it above my desk or bed. Waaaaahh. *_* ^_^



Listening to: "I'm OK" by Christina Aguilera. Kika borrowed me her Stripped album and it's fabolous. I love that gal, she's SO talented!!!!! ^___^
Yay!: Those quotes. Mmmmm.
Grrr: I HATE this uncertainity!!! @_#

1 comment:

Ilkka said...

Hey, my perfect talented duckbaibee!

I´m probably making my geography presentation about Slovakia, so could you help me sometimes, if I make it from it? I mean, that has to be really manysided presentation, cuz we get one whole course, when we make it. So... What do you say?