Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Isn't it so weird? I'm again TIRED. Sigh sigh. When will I finally feel REFRESHED?! When I'm retired & 89 yrs old, issit???????? *grumbles*

The art exhibition yesterday was HORRIBLY emmbarrasing. I'm CRAPPY.

I'm not an artist.
I'm some ass-scrribler from village!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WITH NO TALENT AS WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

The proof:

Uhm, yes, that's my newest oil on canvas & it has all nice colors & blahblah but it's a crap. It looks like shit, I don't like it cuz it's looks so damn amateuristic, you know?!?! ._.

I wanted to paint SPRING. Uh. OK, I won't go into details of my misery. =_=
One last thing - those "hills" look fucking 2D. So does the tree with blossoms. Shit!!!!

Fine, now this is better, I'm kinda proud of this thingee I did now. Please CLICK *HERE* to see it in its whole beauty, I don't wanna upload it directly here, cuz Blogger resizes it & then it's shitty too.

Me & Kuci have seen S's house today.



From now on I shall pamper myself like the biggest ah lian ever AND I won't allow myself to look awful cuz who knows when & where can I meet S?!?!
Last time it was in Polus, next time he might be around our school...or wherever!


Listening to: "The Livelong Day" by Lee Seung Chul. I love him, his music is so relaxing. ^^
Yay!: Oppa emailed me again, sent 3 pics of him in Tokyo AND asked me for my fav Korean music. I greedily hope I'll get some CDs from him. *angelic smile*
I've seen S's house. Oh oh oh aaah. *_*
Grrr: HOW DO I DATE S!?!?!?!
TMR: Check out those sandals at Bata. If I have to be an ah lian, then I SHALL be one. XD

Monday, May 29, 2006

*Yawn* & *Yay!*

Weird title, isn't it??
I'm sorry, I have no creativity today cuz I'm darn tired after a very refreshing sleep which lasted hardly 4 hours. =_=

So there. *YAWN*


Jong Moon oppa emailed me today!!! ^____^ He was so sweet & was giving me advices about the rship. Oh yes...it was belated but what he said was true. And anyways, now he should send me Bae Yong Joon & I'd be happy. XD

Mmmmmmm, my sweetheart Yong Joon, WHO CAN RESIST HIM?!?!?!

I definately can't. *sigh of a maniac in love* ^^;;;;

Also we have our silly exhibition of our silly art works at our silly art course today - I'll take pics, I promised them to oppa anyways so then I'll post them here too. ^^
Don't laugh at my shitty paintings then!!!!!! I SUCK DUCK!!!!!! @_@

Well well.
Off shall I go to ah lian around a bit, I wanna apply a darker eyeshadow now & then take stuffs & go to Kika's as we're off to the exhibition together.

Listening to: "떠나지 마" AKA "Don't Leave" by the mega kool Shin Hye-Sung. ^^ I love him too - I love all Koreans!!!! HA! Okay, except of those fuckers in North Korean politics. Arrggghhh.
Yay!: The Bio test is over!!!!! MUAHA!!
Grrr: I'm so darn sleep-deprived. =_=

Sunday, May 28, 2006

THE Habits Vol. 2

9 minutes to midnight & instead of studying Biology I'm doing nothing.
Well, I've eaten pizza, went out with Haku (and found where S lives!!!!!!!), ate gulash soup, read one book by Agatha Christie, started another Agatha Christie book, talked to hubooby, Teresa & Chris (!!!!!!!!!) and last but not least talked to Kuci for 1.44hrs.

Procrastination is the worst disease.

Can't anyone invent a mediine for it?! ._.

Well, still it was a good day..

Teresa & Chris are talking to me & we're friends like before. ^___^ Also they're saying that R is well for what I'm glad. Good boy. Be well. And stop telling Teresa that she's a shitty driver just cuz she's a woman! *shakes fists* ^_~

As I've mentioned, I've found where S lives. I know I sound like a crazy stalker but nah, I hope I'm not that mad!!!!! O_o The house where he (most probably) lives is so cozy & nice....ahh...at the time of me peeking at it he was home cuz his silver Fiat was there.
I envy that his gf.
It must be so kool to be there with him!!!!!
Hah anyways, if we will move to those Vila Koliba, we'll become neighbours but WTF, he'll still be unattainable. I swear that if we'll date one day, I'll start to believe in fairies, mermaids, Jesus Christ, Allah, Vishnu & Santa Claus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The worst thing is that he's no near, yet so far. *sigh*

Well, whatever, at least I have my personal Korean drama. :P

Oh gosh. Midnight now, I think I should go make myself a strong black tea & start studying that Biology. =_=

Listening to: MTV Live Coldplay. They're so depressing!!! Aaaaarhhh!!!
Yay!: We have an exhibition of our artworks at art course tmr at 6pm. ^^
Grrr: That Bio test...sighhhhhhh~~~~ =_=
THE Habits!!

It's 2.44am & what am I doing?!

Reading Kenny Sia's old entries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listening to Lee Seung Chul at KBS Radio!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thinking of S & BYJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why, oh why did I have to drink that Kofola few hours ago? T_T Too much caffeine, now I can't drag myself to feeling sleepy. Maybe if I started reading the school history book.... Hihi..

Baibee & Seb, thanks for nice, long & lovely chats today. ^_^ I LOVE YA!!! *hugs*

OK. Off to bed I go. It's raining, man! If listening to the boringly beautiful raindrops won't make me sleepy, then nothing, not even listening to someone talking about law, economy or politics.

Listening to: "Count To Ten" by Lee Seung Chul. I LOVE his sentimental beautiful ballads. Typically Korean, Typically wonderful. ^____^
Yay!: Lazy to write....
Grrr: It's 2.49am & as I said I'm lazy to write liao.....

Saturday, May 27, 2006


I've slept since 2am until 2pm & I feel like SMACKED WITH A PAN OVER MY FACE.

=_= x_x ._. @_@ #_#

*gigantic yawn*

I can't sleep THAT long, it's not healthy for me. =_=
Today I'll go take a lllloooooooonnnnnggggg warm bath & tmr I'll wake up after max 9 hours of sleep - anything more would kill me.

Well, my today's activity was being nasty to madre & reading (and finishing) the Memoirs Of Geisha. And eating. =_=

I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!! ._.'''

Originally I was planning to go to S hill & take a cam and camwhore there a bit...and draw one fascinating villa with a swimming pool....but then....I did nothing & just stayed here. =_=

Well, at least mai baibee is here on MSN & talking to me. ^_^
We both have no life, GAH, this is so sad - maybe if we met, we would hang out everywhere & finally live, not just exist. *sighhh*
Well, I dunno about baibee, but I know about myself, that I'm just existing now. @_@

You wouldn't believe how far my eternal love & Kuci's obession for S has came.
IK is our friend. IK's friend is also S's younger brother Peter.


Yes, we're that crazy. XD
We'll take him probably to a Chinese or Thai restaurant & I'm prepared to "pay as much Skk as the number of curls on S's head".
Uhhh, I think I'll have to pay A LOT then cuz S's hair is very thick, shiny, curly & fascinatingly funny. XD

That pic of BYJ...that black & white one.....it's in my previous entry too....I LOVE IT. I SERIOUSLY LOVE IT. I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!! *dies of love*
He looks so much like S....so much....oh my gosh.....looking at the pic makes me go all "Awwwwwww" & then *meltttttttttt*.. *_* ^___^

Uhm, ehm, I know I'm ANNOYING so I'll shut up. *angelic smile*

You know what, I've realized that I'm SO HAPPY being single. Really! :D Few days - or maybe 2 weeks - after the break-up I felt so lonely & lost (even though I initiated it) but now...... I wouldn't wanna get into a relationship again.
I'm happy being like this. ^_^ I'd probably (uhm, like 40% probabilty, but still~ :P) turn down even S's & BYJ eternal love...if they ever had any. Sigh sigh haha.

I feel very FREEEEEE & I'm loving it. :D ^___________^

Even thinking of another relationship...all the compromising, arguing, sweet mushy chit-chating...EEEKKK! Really, EEEKKK!!! O_O @_@
Hugs & kisses are (usually) beautiful but...I feel like I'm not really ready for another rship. Nah.


Listening to: Something on CT2, Czech Tv.....dunno what they're blabbing there, I'm not listening to it.
Yay!: Chat with baibee. He's so incredibly CRAZY!!! HAHAHAHA!!! :D Laav juu!!! ^^
Grrr: Why am I so lazy??

Friday, May 26, 2006

Yum yum yum yum yum yum yummmmm YUM YUM!!!!!
Incoherent Orgasmic Entry

Someone tell me WHY I love it when guys are wearing black jacket, white t-shirt, jeans & trainers. I can only link the example, as I can't download it, so here goes the weirdly cute Rupert Grint -->


Can't resist such. It's simply WONDERFUL. *_* *admiring sighh*

I also love it when guys are wearing scarfs.
Then they are completely totally irrestibly cute & LOVELY . ^^


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~ Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~
I can't breath, I can't sleep, I can't live, I can't talk, I can't think, I can't do anything from the eternal love I feel towards *MY* BAE YONG JOON SWEETHEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He's MINE, okay?

Who cares that he's twice my age! WHO CARES!!! 34 years is nothing!!! At least he's matured enough & he's not some childlish immature wailing toddler!!!!!!


I also love it when guys have glasses like S.


Oh no no no no no nooooooooooooooooo, this can't be truth, I'm dying of love OOOOOUUUUAAAHHHH AVGFDFGXDHGCGXFGFZF G UUHGFGGCFGHGFG!~!!!!!!!!!!!!

*another orgasm*

S = Bae Yong Joon lookalike = MY ETERNAL LOVE

I'm hopeless, I know. XD

I also love it when guys are wearing polo t-shirts.


Seeing guys in polo t-shirts makes me drool. They look so classy & so stylish & so GREAT!!!
Uhhhhhhh. *hearts in eyes*

By the way, I also love guys who love their dog or horse. Or ride a horse. Or lovingly talk to their dog. Or both. :D

WTP am I blabbing here anyways?!?!?! O_o *slaps head*
Oh gosh, I dunno what's wrong with me, really. Hhahhahahah! XD

But BYJ...
But S...

Why oh why.....whhyyy oh whhhyyyy......AREN'T THEY MINE?! TT_____TT
Ok, not both, just one of them is enough. *humble smile*

Please, ignore me, I'm spazzing just a tiny bit... Eternal love...aaaahhhhhh..............

*walks away dreamily & in love*

Listening to: "I'm Missing You" by Wheesung
Yay!: I talked to Pom today after 4678978756489yrs! :D
Grrr: S DOESN'T WANT ME. Same with BYJ. *snifffff*
La Tortura

No sólo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo

This *points above* means: "One doesn't live just from bread/And I don't live from excuses".

It's a very sad song, just see here. Originally it's about love, about a bastardious boyfriend & about the suffering of the girl.....but the cynical badass me sees another, VERY materialistic analogy in it too. *evil laughter*

Lo es mi tortura!
*wails & dies of depression*

No sólo de pan vive el hombre...
...SURE THING LAH. One needs clothes & cosmetics & other idiotic, useless, but very important (hmmm, makes no sense) things for a happy state of mind. ALL THAT CAN BE PURCHASED AT GSS!!!
No vivo de excusas....

Oh, dear God, if you exist, suddenly an airticket to Singapore will fly from the sky & lightly fall down on my lap clothed in sexy bordeaux pyajma pants (yes, it's 2.37pm now & I'm still in mah PJs!). *puppy dog eyes*
Hm, I've forgotten money, I'm broke now so I hope that a golden credit card will fall down on my lap too.

La tortura.

Listening to: "해바라기도 가끔 목이 아프죠" or - dunno if Arirang's translation is correct - "Sunflower" by MC The Max.
Yay!: No school today! ^___^
Grrr: I'm broke & I wanna buy certain low heel sandals. Too bad. =_=

Thursday, May 25, 2006


Recently (today or yesterday) R has emailed to my mother AND he hasn't emailed to me.
He has written there things about returning the money we gave him for the airtic, he has thanked for being here & he has included a pic of himself & his family (I haven't looked at it) at Pulau Bidong & blahblah.

If madre hasn't told me about that email, I wouldn't even know.

I wonder WTF is this about.

Yeah, yeah, "let's fuck out of each other's life for good", YEAH! Where's that? It was him who said that to me and... Why is he emailing to my mother now? And attaching a pic?

Madre said that it's weird of him to email only her & not me and that it seems as if he were asslicking her - that's our Slovak expression for someone trying to gain sympathy (or money. good grades, etc..) without really meaning it sincerely and it's done by a really unusually nice behaviour.

If he wants to be in touch with me, okay, so be it. But then he fucking has to email ME & not my mother!!!!

And by the way, neither Teresa or Chris have replied to my email & Teresa hasn't talked to me even though she was online. But at least they haven't deleted me from Friendster, right?

No comment.
The Good Things

My good mood & positive approach to life still hasn't vanished. Wow! O_O Must be a severe Good Mood Syndrome (GMS) or some Accute Positivism Disease (APD). Hahahah. :P
I shall ignore my itchy eyes & tired yawns and list some things causing GMS & APD. It's worth mentioning, OK?! Ha!

Reasons for GMS & APD:

  • I've watched the equestrian Samsung Super League in Aachen (Germany) & seeing all those beautiful horses, the snobbish sophisticated athmosphere & the skillful riders made me feel all nostalgic, happy and (WTP!!!) thinking of prince William with sexai almost-horse-like teeth. *giggles* XD
    Poor William. *pats his S-like cheeks gently*
    *No, no darling, your teeth aren't too horse-like, Camilla wins 6000x over you, okay? Okay, sweetheart????*

  • Thinking of S & imagining the heaps of emmbarrasing situations considering me & him. Believe me, laughing at one's own anal-ism is the best therapy. XD

  • Thinking of S AND managing to convince myself, that in the world with justice we MUST date each other one day cuz it's not acceptable for him to date that blonde *ahem* while I'm agonizing over him since my 12 yrs.

    Later I'll be dying of depression if it (dating each other) won't happen - what's 99,9% possible - but for the time being it's nice to lie to myself. Heh.

  • Realizing that I'm actually quite cantik, ain't I? Haha!! :D It has its negative sides though, today one worker asked me for my cellphone number. -.-'''

  • I'm a profi at dying hair already!!!! :D

  • Teresa & Chris still haven't replied, but I've agreed with myself & with both my schizo personalities that life is not a fairy tale & breaking up with R was a good idea preventing us both from a loooonggg and annoying suffering.
    Man, I wish. *sob* u_u XD

  • Actually I'm as free as I had the time for occupying myself with "The-Best-Man-For-Me" thingee.

    Duckies, MY best man whom I'm able to love eternally should be either S or a Korean raised in Europe (I'm so discriminating) & he must be intelligent, independant, loving, caring, a gentleman, non-smoker, understanding, funny & a bit crazy. Oh & he should know how to cook, I give LOTS of plus points for breakfasts to bed & so on.

    I want too much, such men DON'T exist. Hmpf!

  • This talking about guys is very nice. It's SO healthy. Hahahaha!

  • Ellen! I'm happy to know her! ^_^

  • Pom is crazy, he emailed me & his email was starting with "Dear wife". I know, it's stupid, but it made me smile, cuz how many times in your life a friend calls you like this? :D Hahaha!! :D So sweet. ^^

  • The walk at S's place was great. ^_^ I love it there. Next time I'll take cam & take pics and post it here! :D

  • Ryu's voice. ^^ I LOVE the Winter Sonata OST. I've stopped re-watching it though...it's from R & it reminds me too much of him & the plot reminds me too much of me & R & S.

  • New pants!!!! Green & great!


Listening to: "My Memory", piano version from the Winter Sonata OST. Koreans LOVE the piano. My future Korean boyfriend should play it too, that'll be very romantic. :P
Yay!: After I wear out my lenses & clean my skin, I'll fly to the dreamland. ^^
Grrr: Must wake up at 6.25am tmr. =_= OH NO.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Feeling Fine

So I found a reason to stay alive
Try a little harder see the other side
Talking to myself
Too many sleepless nights
Trying to find a meaning to this stupid life
I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer
They just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first
Day of my life

So I found a reason
To let it go
Tell you that I’m smiling
But I still need to grow
Will I find salvation in the arms of love

Will it stop me searching will it be enough

I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer but you just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of my life

The first time to really feel alive
The first time to break the chain
The first time to walk away from pain

Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer we just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of your life
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer they just want more

Hey who’s gonna shine alight?
This could be the first day of my life

(Credits for Melanie C's "First Day Of My Life" to LyricsMania.com~)

I'm in a pretty good mood today & I feel as if...I was starting anew.
Starting what anew???

After emailing Teresa & Chris yesterday I feel so much lighter on my berbulu heart. They haven't replied to me yet (and who knows if they ever will!) but I still feel better. I feel less guilty, I feel finer & I feel like a caring ex-girlfriend. Hihi.

I've taken a walk around Jeseniova again & loved the solitude, fresh wind & all the posh villas around. Heheh. ^^
S lives somewhere there, I don't know which house is his but I know that they have a swimming pool. A SWIMMING POOL!!!!! OMT!!!! *faints*
He's handsome (well, to me. And to his gf. Grrrrr.), polite, cute, well-off (swimming pool!!!), from a good family and blahblah.

I'm annoying liao, I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You must deal with me. I think I'll be blabbing about S until I date him & marry him and live with him happily ever after or what. And cuz that'll NEVER happen, I'll be ALWAYS blabbing about him!!!!!!

*recognizes a mass drop of readership to MINUS 89 readers*

Today I've talked to Tsung Long's 朋友 (peng2 you - friend) Ellen for the 1st time & she was SO nice. ^___^ Mwah! I'm happy!!!! Got a new friend from the faaaar away Taiwan! ^__^

Oh well. I'm going...FINALLY. :P Good night! *waves*

Listening to: Something they're blabbing at Arirang
Yay!: A trip to Devinska Kobyla (a hill) tmr.
Grrr: S. S! Bro!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

La Couronne Absurde

That's supposed to mean "crazy duck", according to my wise Czech-French online dictionary.
I'm either as tired or as absurde (or both) but I've turned on the French TV5 & I'm listening to it now, even though there's a political debate going on, with the incredibly funny French men discussing the topic "Politique: La democratie sans le peuple"(Politics: Democracy without the people).
Thank god I don't understand it. :P

It's a nice background, I feel like in a gay bar, hihihihiiiiii~~~~ XD

Congratz to me. I've dealt with one problem of mine & that's the R-one.
I've emailed Teresa & Chris asking them how is he & blahblah and telling them that I miss them (I do) & just..asking them many questions in general.
I wonder if they'll bother to reply.. ._. I also wonder WHAT will they reply. x_x Oh my. *shivers* @_@

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm.
Tmr I'm off to school at 10.45am so WAHOOOO, LET'S DANCE!!!! I'm so happy!! I'll sleep until 9am! :D

The black color is already washing out & now I look very ridiculous with front of my hair ink black & the back rather brownish. =_=
C'est abominablement!

*slaps head in the most lah-di-dah manner & sigh heavily*

Eh, anyways. It's almost midnight & that means that if I try hard & fall asleep at 12pm sharp, I'll be sleeping for the beautiful, rare NINE HOURS & that's something as beautiful as I must not miss it. ^^

Your Sleeping Beauty Waiting For The Gentle Loving Beautiful Tender S's Kiss

Listening to: That political discussion in French. Muahaha. Bonjour, mon couronne erotique. Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?? C'est épastrouillant! XD
Yay!: NINE HOURS OF SLEEP!!! NINE!!!!! Yaaaaaay!!! *dances salsa while the birds are chirping with joy*
Grrr: R-stuff is partially well, but what about the bastard Tomas & the unattainable S????? O_o
Naaa-pi pi pi pi pi*!!!

* The Slovak way of calling hens to come out of their "house".

Today I successfully bought a nice, useless (I don't need it much), light beige shimmery Yves Rocher eyeshadow (called Blanc nacré) & a noir (black) YR Luminelle Mascara séparateur. I didn't even need that eyeshadows & to be honest, the Missha mascara I'm using now is still fine.

Btw, I'm fascinated by French. S speaks it, I suggest him teaching me & I'd be the happiest hen out there in this whole world, wahahaha. :P
Why, oh WHY have I taken up that español? T_T It was an extremely intelligent decision, especially now when I'm considering studying at Parsons Paris. Sigh. -_~

Kuci & I went to Polus today & OMP, we have realized that we really are hens. -_- :P

Baťa sells very VERY beautiful heels now. *greedy sigh*
I fell in love with the Miss Collection, especially with these silver heels with sparkling (!!!) front .

It looks so damn sexy & beautiful on me, uhhh, all men (incl. S, BYJ & Dong-Wook) would faint seeing me in that! Hahaha! TRY NOT TO LOVE IT. O_O
Someone buy me that. I need to be impressive. ^_~

Kuci bought herself one hoody, one t-shirt & one stripy top & then she was totally broke..hahah.. I bought only that eye shadow & mascara, but I've tried on like 56764 clothes (including 2 dresses).

In a while I'll go to the tailor nearby our house to give her my new white linen pants... They're too long.

Btw, btw, I LOVE shopping for guys' clothes, ILKKA BAIBEE, CAN I BUY YOU SOMETHONG???!!! *puppy dog eyes* *___*
Tell me your 5 most favourite colors, I'd love to buy you something! :D

Ugh. A hen entry full of blabbing. Better stop!

Listening to: "Violet" by Ryu
Yay!: No school this week! ^^
Grrr: Why am I such a hen? S-less somemore? ._.
Midnight's Sentimental Depressive Quack

It seems like not only my lovely ducky sista Nisah thinks that I look HAWT with this black hair - today I've caught the attention of at least 4 men who stared at me & gasped!!!! Gasped! Yeah! Hahah, 2 of them were disgusting workers, but still. XD One (not a worker) looked relatively good & the other one was just average. No comment to the workers. Not my stuff. :P

What would S say on that?! O_o


I'm thinking of having my hair cut a bit. I think that it's too plain now, like a black helmet. I'd prefer something a bit more playful & stylish. Now I look like a young whore & that's pathetic. :P

Anyways, blahblah.
See my today's (May 23) horoscope:

"Being a joiner isn't for everyone, but you should consider aligning yourself with a group today. There are many perks you're missing out on, including the fact that seeing a group of diverse people on a regular basis will open your world to all sorts of exciting new stimulation. Seek out groups based around topics or issues you're interested in - or a pastime you enjoy. Dancing lessons might also be a fun way to learn and exercise while you discover a new passion."

Who says that horoscopes are a crap?! *uhm, me sometimes, hahauhm*

Dance?? Dance? Me & dance? Whohooo. Sounds interesting!
And opening my world to all sorts of new exciting things....yes...I know I need it already. *sigh* A group of diverse people...mmm...ohh, how I wish I could change the everyday's routine!

I wish I could fly to Paris now (or London! Great city!) & be myself, not to care about anything, try out all new things, lay on a grass in a park watching the clouds on the sky... Mentioning the sky....taking pics of the sky has became my new hobby. ^_^

Why sky??
Who knows. Maybe it's a silent cry of my subconsciousness to be free, clean & beautiful, for I'm taking pics only of beautiful blue skies.

This is the sky at Hviezdoslavovo namestie. Pic taken while I was laying on the bench waiting for my friend Paula to show up. So distant, deep & eternal it seems, don't you think? I LOVE IT. I love the sky, both in the day & night.

I'm free. Technically.
Practically? No.
I'm still occupied by my little big problems.. I fear solitude, for in solitude (that's usually in the evenings & nights) I'm thinking yet again of them.

...Of how I miss Ray & even though I don't love him anymore, I so much would like to know what's with him, how's he doing...I so much would like to dare to email him, saying just few words of care & friendship...
...Of how I wish S & me will be together one day...
...Of how I wish I could hug Tomas one day, whisper "Hi brother ^_^" into his ear, feel loved by him & love him back and just...just fucking know him.


My mind is all occupied by these 3 men (what an irony! I say that men are bastards & yet they're making me cry, hope, love, bang head, laugh, drool....) & I dunno what to do with it.

Tengo ni idea!

Can anybody please help me out? What would you do in my place?
Once again, my place means that you miss & care for your ex-bf but you don't dare to contact him, the one you like since you were 11 would never like you back & your own half-brother doesn't even bother to reply to your SMS.


Fine, I've wiped the tears (I'm such a weakling) & I can continue on ranting & blabbing rather randomly. *sigh*

Everytime I'm taking a shower and the water is pouring down on my naked body, I'm repeating myself this mantra:
"With this water the dirt of the day, the thoughts of R, S & your brother are being washed away.. You're again clean, pure & ready to start all over."

The truth?! The dirt of the day is washed away but NOT the rest. The rest stays, like a mud glued to my heart & mind. ._.

Oh well. I guess I just have to survive. Life has never been easy & never will. My mistake is, that I'm oversensitive & everything affects me way too much. Another mistake of mine is, that no matter how hard am I trying to forget it all, I CAN'T!!!!! Argh!

On the other hand, without past, there's no presence. -_-

Am I being depressive here?
*sigh* Sorry. I have these three big burdens on my heart now & I'm trying to cope. Duh~

Wish me luck!!!!

TOMAS, you fucker, you're hurting me so fucking much, I wish you could suffer as much as I'm suffering now (cuz of you!) in order to fucking understand how is it!!!!

Listening to: "Princesse Nubienne" by Les Nubians. I love them. :)
Yay!: Erm, no school tmr.
Grrr: Read this entry. =_=

Monday, May 22, 2006

Jeseniova Paradise

I've taken a walk along Jeseniova street today...hoping to see S who lives there but ahem, I haven't seen him. *sobs*

We're thinking of moving to a bigger apartment & at Jeseniova they're building a BEAUTIFUL VILLAS with TERRACES & a LITTLE GARDENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <--- Don't dare to book the one left unbooked, that belongs to us! Mwah!

Yeah, these darlings.... *points up*

Horribly damn beautiful, according to the thing, there's only one more unbooked apartment left!!!!!!!!!!! 3 750 000Skk, that's not so much!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH, I wanna live theeeeeeeeereeeeeeeee~~~~~~ O_O ^_____^ *___________*

S lives nearby, the location is PERFECT, I know this district well (I live 10mins by feet away from it) & just aaahhhjgvghghffd, I WANT IT!!! *__*


Please, please, make money rain from the sky, so I can buy Pure by Jil Sander!Yesterday I've tried it & it's VERY nice. It's pure (well, how else), soft, clean, feminine (but not too sweet), classy & very....BEAUTIFUL.
I fell in love with it (along with Envy Me by Gucci). *_*

Please, tell S to come up to my door holding a bouquet of English tea roses & Pure by Jil Sander...

*slaps head*
I'm so pathetic. =_=

And Tomas is a dickhead. *sigh*

Listening to: "Don't Forget Me" by Ryu
Yay!: I've found a nice outlet store with GREAT branded things. Lotsa Bennetton & Mexx stuff, me likes it a lot, yum yum yum! ^^
Grrr: I wanna know what's with R. :( I wanna know what's with S. I wanna know my fucking bastard half-brother & slap his balls.

Every evening I'm thinking of emailing R but...no. No, it's too early for that. It's sad though cuz I care for him, I wonder what's with him...and I've noticed that no one from his family talks to me now. His sis or bro are online but they don't message me..oh well. ._.

I have to get used to IGNORANCE already.
My dickhead bro is ignoring me, I can (and must) handle few (4) other people. -_-

Everyday I'm thinking of S & knowing that me & him being together is as possible as Prince William marrying my mother. *sigh*
There's no justice in this world!!!!!! Justine knows what I mean, right? u_u

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Memoirs Of An Ignored Half-Sister

Yeah, the title is inspired by the Memoirs Of A Geisha I've seen today & it ROCKED DUCK. So poetic... I LOVE poetic movies. *_* ^__^ I recommend it a lot, in case you haven't seen it yet... It was sad, beautiful, poetic, AZN, sentimental & ending in a nice happyend. Lucky baka Sayuri, she got him... when will I? *sighs & thinks of curly hair*


Have you ever felt unwanted, useless, like a stinky sack of shit which no one wants?

That's the way I'm feeling now.

I have a half-brother. He's the son of my father & his previous wife & his name is Tomas. Tomas doesn't have a sister though.
Know why?
I've SMSed him like last month suggesting that we should meet sometime. He hasn't replied; I was alright with it, I thought he has changed his number & in order to find out his new number I've decided to rudely look into my father's mobile phone. I did that now...sneakily...feeling guilty, for I respect other people's privacy greatly & even though I'm gila, I have some manners.
The bad truth is, Tomas hasn't changed his number. He has just decided to ignore me. ME! ME!!! His fucking younger half-sister!!!!!


I'll stop dreaming on how wonderful would it be to meet up with him, go for a coffee (tea in my case) with him, SMS with him, discuss things with him... To call out his name & KNOW that I'm no longer alone, for I have a half-brother, my older dear half-bro who'll be there for me when I need him & vice versa... I'll stop daydreaming of asking Tomas as many things as possible in order to catch up with all things I don't know about him for I've lived whole my fucking life without knowing him... I'll never imagine Tomas asking me about myself, interested in me, in his younger half-sis!!!

That fucking bastard has decided to IGNORE me, to pretend that I DO NOT EXIST, to IMAGINE that his father has never shagged another woman so I was born!!!!

I'm speechless. I'm really at a loss of words, I dunno what to say... It's just... disappoiting. Yeah, that'd be the word. I've always imagined Tomas as an intelligent, caring, funny, well-mannered dude. What's the reality? He's a FUCKING BASTARD.

Fine. =_=
Oh shoes, my love!

WHY, oh WHY don't we have Charles & Keith here?!?! Lucky Singaporean ducks.... TT_TT

Please, if you love me & feel sorry for my shoes-less suffering, buy me...

  • THESE in that green color!
  • THESE WONDERFUL DARLINGS WHICH CAUGHT MY HEART also in green...they're too high but WTP, who cares haha...
  • THESE SAYANGS in blue which are totally GREAT, heels very low, sexy, classy, beautiful..
  • THESE in white or blue!!!! Classy, simple, clean, neat, sexy! AAAHHH!!!!
  • THESE in brown which are way too sexy for a 17 yrs old innocent duck like me, so I'll have to store them until I'm 25 when I won't be as innocent anymore. Hahahah.

Okay, I'll shut up. Hahaha. But my size is 38, OK? *bats eyelashes*

I just talked to Pom..hah...as always it was fine. ^^ I CAN'T WAIT to meet him on Xmas. I CAN'T!!!! Wahoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!~~~~~~ ^__^

Oh well. This entry had no head no tail. =_= Sorry.

Listening to: "Lover" by Ryu in Chinese. Lover? 爱人?^^ Or is he singing 亲爱? Yes, it's Qin Ai so why "Lover"....waahh.... 亲爱 is "Dear", not "Lover, that's Ai Ren. Even I, with that knowledge of 3 Chinese words know it. Hmpf.
Yay!: I'm off to see "Da Vinci's Code" today with Kuci. ^^
Grrr: Even Pom said that brown hair is better at me. *sigh*

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Another meme cuz I'm feeling lost & got nothing to do!

Taken rudely from Narcissism Is The New Cool. 谢谢! ^^

4 jobs you've had in your life:

- Volunteer at Sloboda Zvierat
- nothing
- nothing
- nothing
Yes, I'm a big fat lazy ass. Muahaha.

4 movies you could watch over and over:

- Lion King
- Mulan
- Sister In Act 1
- Sister In Act 2
Hihihihihi, SUCH a list! XD

4 TV shows you love to watch:

- Brainiac at Discovery
- Show Music Tank at Arirang
- Pops In Soul also at Arirang
- programmes about medicine

4 places you have been on vacation to

- Greece
- Southeast Asia
- Tunisia
- Fuerteventura, Canary Islands

4 places you would rather be:

- Sleeping
- Studying design in France already with high school over & done
- Horseriding around Iceland
- Having a nice long Thai massage with aromatic oils & all..

4 of your favourite food:

- Bryndzove halusky
- Spinach Lasagna
- Korean BBQ
- Miso Shiru

4 websites you visit daily:

- http://www.blogger.com/
- http://www.yahoo.com/
- http://daomingmikai.blogdrive.com/
- http://urban-makcik.com/farfalla/

4 tagged:


Yay! That's it!
Uh ahem -_-

Okay, I don't like the hair too much anymore. It looks TOO brutal. I'll need to stuck myself in a bath with sea salt which will soften the brutal black a bit.
I guess that dark BROWN would have been a better choice than this brutal violent strict black. -_-

Washing hair for 24 times should wash it out but in cousin's case it lasted only for 8 times. Pray that that's gonna be MY case too! Ugh.


Experiments, experiments. GILA. *mumble mumble*

Anyquack... I've started to read a kool book called "Revenge Of The Middle-Aged Woman" by Elizabeth Buchan. Haha, it's so great!!! :D
Lemme quote the synopsis on the back of the book:

"Rose Lloyd was the last to suspect that Nathan, her husband for over twenty years, was having an affair, and that he was planning to leave her. But the greatest shock was yet to come; for his mistress was Rose's colleague and friend, Minty.

So Rose was left alone in their once-happy family home, where she and Nathan had brought up the children. Then she started thinking - about the man she'd married, and how well she really knew him. About the carefree yet studious girl she had been before she met him. Twenty years ago Rose had to make a choice between two very different lives. Could she recapture what she nearly chose back then, a bring new meaning to her life now?"

Interesting & captivating!
A kind of chick lit, I know I know but cuz I'm a secret ah lian, I can read it. Hahah. :P

Oh well....I dunno what to do, I think I'll just go out to the balcony & paint. It's so...relaxing. ^__^

Listening to: "Les portes du souvenir" by Les Nubians.
Yay!: It's SATURDAY. ^_^
Grrr: I'm feeling a kind of...lost. ._. And my hair is too brutal. Ah yay. -_~

Friday, May 19, 2006

The change!!!

Mind the bad skin on my forehead, the eyebags, the "fuck off" way of staring to my mobile phone on the 2nd pic & the awful white cotton Colafit t-shirt (size XL) I'm wearing.

Still, it isn't bad, is it? :D

It's not that big of a change actually....also cuz mi madre somehow hasn't applied the color evenly & now I have a kind of unwanted brown highlights. -_- Still, it looks rather natural, also thanks to my actually-almost-black eyebrows. The front part of the hair is black though & I can happily say,that all my hair is now beautifully SHINY. ^^
I'm a SPARKLING DUCKLING for real!!!!! :D XD ^^;;;

Btw, you can see a NICER pic in my side section too. ^^ I'm a camwhore though....so look at it here too, hahah. :P

Black is nice, I say!!!!!

I need deep colors, contrasts & feminine and cheerful tones!!!!
Being the always boring, grey plain Jane is getting on my nerves already!!!

I shall move on & upgrade my DUCKYNESS. :P QUACK! ^_____^

What do you think of my hair? Say say, I want to get some comments finally..hahaa....thanks in advance! ^^


Yesterday's night I had a post-break-up crisis. #_#
I was taking a shower & suddenly I started to think about how's R doing & how is he feeling and I've found out that I miss him and I just can't get over the fact that I dunno what's with him... I started thinking on how he might die in a car accident when he's driving to school (yeah, my mind is full of positive ideas) & how I won't know about it and I'll never ever see him again and that'll drive me mad cuz I feel so guilty & bad.
I went to bed feeling all weak & guilty and then I started to cry like crazy, I hugged Peif and Jamie (my plushy toys XD) & then I felt as lonely and guilty & terrible as I reached up & grabbed Ilkka (the adorable plushy elk from mai lovely baibee) and I hugged all these 3 and sobbed & sniffed & sobbed & felt guilty. =_=

Are such things normal or am I just gila? O_o

I should MOVE ON finally. -_-



Listening to: "2 Become 1" by Spice Girls. Heeeey, don't laugh, I LOVE 'EM!!! ^____^ GIIIRRRLLL POWWEEEERRRR!!!!!! :D
Yay!: Me likes the hair a lot. ^__^ I've talked to Seb for quite a long time via MSN and it's video conversation & it was really nice, he's such a fine guy. ^^
Grrr: S. R. All men. Only Ilkka, Ilkka the plushy elk, Peif the plushy elk, Lom, Tsung Long, Seb & Gou are the men who don't cause me headaches, heartaches, don't make me cry & curse aloud like a whore in a pirate's pub, don't make me fight with different emotions & don't make anything bad so I can happily love them eternally.

  • $$$. I wanna go shopping stuffs!
  • Korean food!!!!!!!!
  • Talk to S on the phone for 30 mins & get to know that he has actually always liked me. Then I'd say that it's the same with me & he'd nod on that & tell me that he sensed it & he would ask me out. But I'd tell him (and that would be true) that no matter how strong my feelings for him were & are, I can't date him NOW & he should wait for at least 6 months until I heal from *that* rship cuz I just don't want to date him until I'll be sure that my heart & mind belongs only to him & is not occupied by the R-guilt.
    I should stop dreaming.
    It's never gonna happen! -_~
  • Tickets to the Black Eyed Peas concert in Bratislava in June. u_u

Isn't this weird?? And great? :P

Today when I was in a cafeteria in Polus with Linda, I saw S passing by with his mom. I didn't see his face, only his side profile (all covered by his dark curly hair, haha) but I'm 99% sure that it was S. The way of dressing (neat, clean, classy and a bit sporty) & his hair - that was a total S.

For many months (or maybe 1 year already?) nothing & suddenly two days in a row of seeing him... Oooohhhh....
I wonder what's gonna happen next! O_o

I'd better watch out for bad hair days not to come (like today! -_- Thank God he didn't see me & in case he did, it was from far away) cuz I refuse to look awful in front of S. Duh.~


I've realized that Western horoscopes TOTALLY don't match me. The Chinese ones more or less do but the Western ones absolutely not. =_= I'm Pisces & the characteristics is totally unlike me!


Today I'm gonna dye my hair black. :D WAHOOOO!!!! That's gonna be FUN! :D I hope I won't look like that creature from The Ring. :P

Listening to: "Pride" by Se7en ft. Masta Wu
Yay!: S!!! Friday!! Black hair!!
Grrr: S has a gf & sadly, it's not me! <--- I'm pathetic, ignore me. -_~ I have no money & I wanna buy so many things...uhhh... =_=
WEEKEND PLANS: Probably go out with Linda to the park & Aupark or something. ^^

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Yippiiiiiiiiii!!!!~~~! ^____^

Me is a very VERY happy girl today!!!! ^___^

A few mins ago I saw S in the car, probably with his girlfriend. (Why ain't that me? T_T)

Oooohhhhh, I swear he has changed - to better! O_o *gasp* He looks even more handsome, his skin is clean & soft (it looks like that at least) as always, his hair is still dark, thick & funnily curly, he still wears the same cute glasses, still has those OMFB lips & still has those beautiful hazel eyes....yes..he looks the same but even MORE adorable!!!! Aaaaaaeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~~~~ O__O *faints speechless* ^^;;; *_*

I'm so damn pathetic.
I thought that going out with R would cure my S-liking (and it did for a certain time) but no....it's back. You know, but I just can't help myself....since I was a young toddler duckling of 11 yrs old, I've liked him. But he...he has never shown even the tiniest interest in me. u_u *wipes tears*

I am happy if he is happy BUT I'd much happier if he were happy with me!
Ugh. Yes, I'm horrible. -_-
No no, S, I really wish you a LOT of happiness in your life but in the same time I really wish myself to meet you, get to know you & at least....be the damn friends with you. Although that would be an unequal friendship when I'd like (love?) you & you'd just consider me as a friend. Ugh. NOT GOOD.
Forever love or nothing!

Yeah. I know. I'm a pathetic idiot. =_= But a girl CAN dream, right? -_- I'm so stupid, I hate myself for liking him for so long....it's just...stupid. ._. He'll NEVER like me back, NEVER but I still like him...for 6 years already, can you imagine that?! I though it's "only" 4~5 yrs but no, it's 6. @_#

Someone tell me, WHY haven't I gotten off the idiotic trolleybus at that bus stop where he used to get off!!! If I did so (and I was planning it), I'd see him closer, not only through the trolleybus window.
But in the same time...getting off at the "S stop" (let's call it like this from now on) would be a pathetic stalking....am I that desperate & cheap liao? -_~



WHY can't he like me back? T_T

He'd be the ideal boyfriend. Polite, with manners, handsome, well-off, cute, caring, funny, intelligent, from a good family....


Why do I always have to choose a perfect AND a completely unattainable guy & like him for 6 yrs?!?!?! TT_TT


Please, dear Almighty Duck, if you exist, make me & S a couple 4eva one day! I think that men are natural assholes & even though S is a man too, I naively believe, that he's a smaller asshole...hahaha....


Wednesday, May 17, 2006

THE Challenge

Mérde!!!! O_O

Look at this:

"Applicants for degree programs must submit the application form and fee, transcripts of previous study, test scores (SAT, ACT, TOEFL as per educational background - see What tests do I need to take section for more information), Portfolio (for BFA programs) and Home Exam. Please make note of the details specific to the program for which you plan to apply in the Application Materials section.

The following is to be complete regardless of intended major.

Home Exam

1. Draw a self-portrait in pencil. Colored pencil is acceptable. Draw from a mirror and include foreground and background. (Oh, no. ._.)
2. Use cut or torn paper to construct a color collage representing an interior scene. (Shit, I've never done that!!!!)
3. After completing the collage described above, draw the same scene in a black and white medium.


1. The portfolio should consist of observational drawing and painting work, including portraits, still life, figure drawing and interior and exterior spaces. Artwork should demonstrate the applicant's ability to represent the three-dimensional world on a two-dimensional plane.
2. Portfolios should not contain work specific to an intended major. You are not applying to a particular department. You are applying for entry into the school based on our freshman requirements.
3. We will not review work copied from a two-dimensional source, such as a photograph or work created solely from the imagination."

Should I die or what?! O_o
I seriously doubt getting into Parsons Paris... TOEFL, Home Exam & Portfolio....OMG... That's just MAD. O_# I'm not that good... ._.

Well, this is nice. My this year's summer holidays will consist of learning the whole Spanish grammar, attending the TOEFL prep classes & drawing, painting, drawing, painting, drawing, painting, drawing, painting, drawing, painting, drawing, painting, drawing, painting and...drawing, painting!!!! *faints*

Hmm. But you know what... I'm thinking about Fashion Design as well. They say I have a good taste in clothes, accessories & I'm quite good at doing make up to people so.. Well, I think I could be a good fashion designer..plus fashion designers usually work freelance what's really great I think. FREEDOM. Waaahhh~~~ ^_^ Freedom is just great... Plus... Seeing my work published somewhere in Elle or Vogue would be nice.
Haha, I admit that Oh Chelin inspired me! :P

Ooops, alright, it's almost 10pm so I must quack away to learn the whole Psychology for tmr's Society Studies test. -_- Tolonglah!!!! *dies*

Listening to: "King Without A Crown" by the hella kool orthodox Jew Matisyahu. Yay! :D LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Yay!: Me & Kika went to Aupark today & Kika bought herself elegant black pants & really beautiful white heels. I LOVE advicing people by shopping. See see. I must consider Fashion Design too. ^_^ Heh.
Oooohhh & yes, my friend Lucia said that she thinks that me & S are meant to be together one day. *ah lian giggle* I told her I find it ridiculous & don't believe such blabs but to be honest, I wouldn't really mind it. :P ^^;;;;
Grrr: I still feel guilty & think of what's R doing and all.... I care for him... But....cuz I care, I know I CAN'T return to him or anything. That'd be a disaster!
TMR: Set the date for writing the Chem test!!!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Signs & Symbols

Normally I don't believe in signs but now I maybe should! Since yesterday I saw the following things which kind of made me confirm that the break-up was a good thing to do:

  • Arirang TV - early morning. The ad for some program said: "Ray goes to Korea to pursue his dreams.." and I immidiatelly switched it to something else. However...what is my my reality? Ray went..to pursue his dreams too, in case he's not a total retard.

  • Obchodna street. A girl wearing a dark t-shirt with a big bright "BOYS COME & GO". So true.

  • My book with short Buddhist essays. Yesterday I randomly opened it at Kazuaki Tanahashi's "The Art Of Living" essay & read:

    "In oriental calligraphy we must not repair the brush-strokes. Each brush-stroke must be definite; we must not go back. It's just like in life."

    Do I need to comment it..? :) I guess not.

  • 6.25am. The 1st song by Natasha Bedingfield from her CD which I own was "Single".

    Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
    (I like who I am)
    I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
    I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
    (Can't romance on demand)
    I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

    Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
    I know I'll settle down one day
    But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
    Eh I like it this way

    Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
    I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
    'Til then I'm single

    This is my current single status
    My declaration of independence
    There's no way I'm tradin' places
    Right now a star's in the ascendant

  • Today's morning in father's car. The radio was on & what was the 2nd song played? "A New Day Has Come" by Céline Dion.

    Let the rain come down and wash away my tears
    Let it fill my soul and drown my fears
    Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun
    A new day has...come

    Where it was dark now there's light
    Where there was pain now there's joy
    Where there was weakness, I found my strength

    Originally it's a love song but this excerpt is just so...fitting. :)

  • PE class, today in the school. The song "Still In Love With You" by No Angels. In case you think I were teary-eyed thinking of R, I must confess (feeling very guilty) that the first name which came to my mind was......S. I AM PATHETIC. But it also means that I'm better off single. S, S, S.... *sigh* When am I gonna see him again?

    Why you had to steal my heart
    When we're a world apart
    So tell me, baby what should I do
    You're always on my mind

    The whole song is too mushy & n/a to my case but I paid attention only to this part of it. I AM PATHETIC. He didn't steal my heart but he is always on my mind. I AM PATHETIC!

Now I'm off to the theatre with Linda, Ali & Kika. Yay! We're going to see a play called "Friends" about the relationships between men & women. I've heard that in the play there's a woman in a relationship which is freaking her out & there's a woman without a relationship which is freaking her out too. Mwaha! Like from the reality, I say!

Listening to: nothing
Yay!: 61% from Physics test - I think I believe in miracles. O_O
Grrr: School school, school. Sigh.

Monday, May 15, 2006

My major?

You scored as Visual&PerformingArts. Related majors that match your highest scored category: Art, Art Education, Art History, Ceramics, Culinary Arts, Dance, Drawing, Fashion Design, Film, Graphic Design, Interior Design, Jazz Music, Marketing (advertising), Music, Music Education, Music History, Music Theory, Orchestra, Painting, Photography, Piano, Theatre, Voice, Writing.

Consider all majors in your OTHER high scoring categories. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.





























created with QuizFarm.com

Ohhh yes, it's VISUAL ARTS. *happy sigh of relief*
Parsons in Paris, I'm coming. Your classes are in English! ^___^
Over & Done

I just did it.

I broke up with R.
For REAL now.

He even had the guts to start accusing me of how he hated my behaviour in the last few weeks anyways & how he was trying to change for me & I didn't do anything & so on. PATHETIC. I know that it's just a cover up & he's hurting but - but...can I avoid hurting him?
I would have been hurting him (and myself too) much more, if I pretended my 'eternal love' and stayed in the relationship.

I'm sad & I feel a bit lonely but I know that what I've done was wise. On the break-up No. 1 I wasn't prepared for that & I didn't know what to do...like a weakling I begged R to come back and he did and we believed at first that we would be fine but we didn't.
C'est la vie.
People don't change... I was thinking about break-up for so many times..then when it happened for the 1st time, I was too weak...R suggested it and even though I wanted it, I was hurt & sad...now it was me who initialized it & that certainly feels better, but R...he...he must be the one hurt now. *sigh*

I'm sorry, dear R.
I still like you & care for you but I can't seem to awaken the love.

One day, when you'll feel like it, contact me. I'll unblock your MSN addy when certain time passes...and if you'll want to talk to me then, I'll be glad.

Now I must MOVE ON & SMILE.

The sun is still shining.
The birds are still chirping.
The flowers are still blooming.
The clouds are still beautiful.
The Earth is still spinning.
The gravity is still the same (9,81 m/s).
The life of mine is still unpredictable & surely full of joy.
The friends of mine are still here for me & I still love them.
The family of mine is still here for me & I still love them.

When I wake up tommorrow, it'll be the 1st full day without the LDR going nowhere.
Will I feel better? Will I not miss him? Yes, I will miss him. I got used to his online presence & presence in SMSes so much & now I won't be even able to contact him (I've never remembered his cellphone number).

But should I cry & give up hope & joy & die of sadness?

No, I should not.

He's sad now & I'm down as well...but after some time passes, we'll both know that separating had been the best thing for both of us.

I can admit now, that I wanted to go study at Cenfad cuz of him as well. I finally wanted this LDR to end & start a normal rship....but...now when it's over, I should keep in mind the same school, only in the different area - Paris.

Many things have changed.
I think that I'll be able to come to Malaysia only after few years.. Malaysia means him & he means...well, I feel guilty & in the same time I feel free & satisfied...for him as well, for he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

A big burden has fallen down from my heart.

I won't have to be stuck to the PC right after my schoo... If I'll be, it'll be for my dearest duckies hubooby, baibee, ducky sis, Pom, Kuc, UE & Tsung Long.
I won't have to question myself over & over again whether we're fine together or no...whether we'll change or no...whether we have a future or no.
Now I know we don't.

Goodbye, my friend.
It hurts to say these words but I know that you never want to see me again. Be happy & safe.


Please, my friends, slap (or hug) me well in case I'll be falling into endless sadness or something! Remind me of the fact that if we were not meant to be, then we were not.

I bought a black hair color & I'm gonna try it on during the weekend or maybe even earlier, if I feel like it. We women have one certain weirdness - when something significant happens in our lifes, we tend to experiment with our hair. I'm no exception.
I'll become Sexy Black Haired Fair Skinned Duckling when I dye my hair. I promise I'll post pics then.

Listening to: nothing
Yay!: The burden has fallen down
Grrr: I feel so guilty. ._.
TMR: "Polarisation" - short assignment for Physics!!!!!
The Decision

I've came to a decision. I'll do it sooner or later when I'm ready & then I'll die of sadness but it's necessary.
No matter how much I'm trying to tell myself that "we'll be fine after a while" & "he'll change and I'll change for him" & "he'll mature" & "I won't be a bitch anymore", I'm always coming to the one & only result - NONE OF IT WILL HAPPEN.

We were born to be with someone else, not with each other.

I'll be strong & won't cry & get headache and fever again. Girl power!
I loved him but now I only like him. I still care for him & because I do, I shall not let him suffer in a relationship which is going nowhere. He deserves better, I deserve better.

Even imagining me doing *that* makes me depressed but I'll be strong. I promise I will. Nothing is eternal. Once, even the Sun will perish but during my life it'll still shine.
What do the Buddhists say except for "nothing is eternal"? "If you're too attached to a certain thing/person, you can't let it go easily."
Yes, that's my case. But it's certainly just holding onto a sinking ship. We're sinking, no matter how hard are we trying to fake being alright.

*That* will be better for both of us.

I have spoken.

I'll need your help my lovely duckies - in case I'll try to change this decision, slap me hard. I'll also need your help in making me feel better. I'm oversensitive so I'll be depressed like fuck but I beg you to make me smile. THANK YOU. I LOVE YOU ALL.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Bitchy Me Carries On

I can't seem to stop ranting these days. Ranting or complaining or wailing or teasing or attacking people. Haiyah. -_-

Topic of May 14th, 2006:

What's wrong with you men, that you can't tell straightly that you have a problem or you're sad?!

I was just talking to Mr. Wavy for few mins & throughout the whole chat he was very grim, silent & apparently down. When I told him that he sounds like that & asked him whether anything is wrong...he said "No, I'm fine". Ha! Like I'd believe him. -_~
It's interesting.
Before he was telling me so many things...now nope.

I don't bite!!!!! I won't even kick your ass & laugh at you if you tell me what's going on!!!

The only one explanation of why he can't tell me what's going on is, that it's about me. That "kiss" wink in the end could mean it but..eh? ME?! Man, I'm a closed chapter liao, it shouldn't be about me (But well, wavy haired creatures have always been mysterious).


Can I abruptly change onto another thing?

We've returned from Aupark now where I ate miso shiru (I have a certain feeling that it's the instant one sold in Korean grocery stores. If yes, the cooks are DEAD.) & other food inculding tempura & fried mee with vegetables & "8 gems" which is a mix of meat & etc.

I have one new t-shirt (with "Early Bird" written on it - and that's a lie! XD) & white linen trousers! :D Wahoooooooo~~~~ ^__^ Veeery pretty.

How come we, here in Slovakia don't have anything like Singaporeans have their Localbrand? O_o If I knew how to, I'd LOVE to establish a brand like that...something like a Slovak version of Localbrand. We Slovaks need to learn how to be proud of being Slovaks - so far we're proud of that only during the ice hockey world champs or when staring at tennis. ._. :P
*cough* Btw, if you love me, buy me some Localbrand t-shirt, they're so kool. *cough*

What about if I were designing t-shirts? ^^
For example this one, with a green lime leaf - i. e. a symbol of Slavs. "Be Proud", I know I know, it's in English but on the actual t-shirt I'd write it either in Slovak & under it in English or - this I like even more - in Slovak AND Russian under it!

Hohoo, it's so weird to design t-shirts with a Slavic/Slovak theme, especially when I use to say that Slovak nature is really beautiful but the people are a group of primitive villagers. =_= Strangle me, I know I deserve it.

My father was impressed with my photos! :D ^_____^ *proudly thrusts nanoboobs forth* He said that they're taken so well..wah..me likes such talking, suddenly me feels like a talented duck. ^^;;;

Talking about art.... I've found out that I'm afraid of contrasts! What do I mean by that, you ask?
When painting or making make-up (sounds anal) or even dressing up/choosing clothes, I always stick to those soft colors...never to something which contrasts a lot. Even when drawing/painting shadows I'm very scared to make them too deep & dark.
THIS MUST STOP ASAP. >_< style="font-weight: bold;">wild with colors, shadows, make-ups, clothes & blahblah. I don't care whether I'll (or my paintings) will look like after smoking too much weed! I don't care!!! I'm 17, I can & should have the fun NOW, not later in my 40s when I'm all saggy, flabby, wrinkly & worn out!!!! <------ Scary! x_x BTW!!!!!! I saw a bunch of Chinese today & two of them were staring at me rather mesmerized. *blushes* Ain't that kool? ^^ *"No, it ain't kool", says Ray angrily.* Muahahaha. My self-confidence has hopped, Chinese guys stare at me mesmerized! *_* ^^;;;; It's good to be a 1/4 Korean. Hihihihihi. *giggles like the biggest ah lian*

Irrelevantly... Do we have that Bio test tmr or no? O_o I hope we don't... it's 10.36pm now & I haven't studied yet.. =_= I'd better go do that... *sighhhhhh*

Listening to: "Real Luv Story" by Wheesung, Taebin & Se7en
Yay!: It was a nice day today. Me liked it. ^^
Grrr: I DON'T, I repeat, I DON'T want school tmr. >_< WHAT DO I HAVE TO PAY UP WITHOUT ANY MONEY:

  • art course - 1600Skk
  • contact lenses - 2000Skk
  • English books - 700Skk
Shit!!! Please, make money grow on trees!!!!