Discouraged & Ranting
Yesterday I went to the art course's atelieur to pick up my works.
We had an exhibition of our works two weeks ago & for the 1st time in my life no one voted for neither of my paintings/drawing.
(Yes, NEITHER, I had only 2 works there, for the 1st time as well. Usually I had 3 or more, once I even had my own exhibition in this big one - a whole wall was dedicated to my artworks!)
Even our art prof said that I'm slacking off.
She said that she sees a talent in me, but she also sees that I'm slacking off and that I'd better come back to my old self who was simply good, cuz in a year I have entrance exams on VSVU's Graphic Design and...
...and that's another thing.
She said that especially Graphic Design is a course where LOADZ of people wanna get & as we have design high schools here, the competition is terrible and they kind of *expect* at VSVU, that people know how to work with these design programmes, or at least Adobe Photoshop or whatever.
I think that I'll end up by sweeping the streets BUT in case I pass the maturita, applying for VSVU's Graphic Design course would be foolish - it's more possible of me to get to Parsons in Paris/NYC or to t. Martin's College or to London College Of Communication or to wherever!!!
Oh, and yesterday Tokarmort told me to come up to the blackboard & make some easy exercise but of course I was confused at first and I was nervous - I'm always nervous at Physics and Maths cuz I know I suck at it & I'm afraid to say aloud anything I think cuz I expect it to be wrong (even though quite often it's not) - and so I got involved in a lovely conversation with her in front of the whole class.
It went like this:
T: *frowns looking at me* "Mishaaaa...from what you wanna do maturita?"
M: "Well....From Geography, History of Art, Social Studies, English and Slovak."
T: "But there you have to talk a lot & I've never heard you speaking coherently."
Okay, I KNOW I'm stupid.
I'm gonna have it proven by the psychologist too, the results of my psychotests will be ready soon. I think I'd better enjoy the last few days of not knowing my exact IQ.
I KNOW I suck at Physics. I suck at Maths.
But she knows it too. So WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Now she even wants to tell me that I don't suck only at Maths & Physics, I actually suck at everything, I can't even talk coherently & well, I'm a complete loser.
Thank you for "lifting up" my self-confidence. As if it weren't low enough, seeing all these intelligent, talented, smart & perfect people around me!!!
She couldn't hear me talking coherently, cuz at Physics I'm silent. Non-existent. Invisible! Just so she won't tell me to come up to the blackboard where I'd know FUCKING NOTHING, get emmbarrased again and reassure myself that I'm an imbecile.
But can I mention shyly, that for example today, when Tokarmort cheebye were telling us the basics of the Special Theory Of Relativity, I knew them???!!!??
I read books about it. Unlike 99% of our class with better grades from Physics!
Seriously, within these two days my positive approach to my future has turned upside down.
I know that I'm a slacker & not only in the school but also at the art course. I have no good artworks this year, they all SUCK.
Getting to VSVU is a nonsense, I'd better forget it.
Getting to an uni outside of SVK is most probably a nonsense too, after we buy a new apartment, we won't have that much $$.
I'm tired of this.
I'm tired of being myself, it's full of problems.
Everyone in the school takes me as a stupid brainless sassy ass.
FUCK. YOU. ALL.
You don't even know me! What do you know about me?!
That I suck at Maths, Chem & Phy? That I'm good at English and Slovak AND I don't study for it, cuz I'm lazy? That I hate Sibitchisova? That I'm *that* crazy 1/4 Korean who loves Asian guys?! That I'm *that one* who likes S for 6 years without a chance of him returning these feelings (it's a nonsense, let's admit it~)? That I'm *that one* who is always forced to draw everything for the school (not that I can draw)? That I'm the one who does nothing at school? That I'm the "tardy one" - even though I fucking wake up at 6.25am every single fucking day & I NEVER come late to school?!?!?! <--- It happened for few times some years ago and since then I'm the tardy one.
All profs think about me that I'm a sassy idiot.
Know what. I actually really dunno WHY I went to a grammar school. I would've felt so much better at some vocational school!
I'd choose the gardening vocational school.
Or the one where people study how to take care of horses. That'd be the right career for me.....yes....the gardening school..... I'd take care of carrots, cabbages, peas, roses & etc. for whole my life and I'd be satisfied with that. I love nature after all.
C'est la vie.
I'm a loser, let's admit it.
The prestigious grammar school is awaiting me tommorrow!
I can hardly wait to go there. *sarcastic laughter*