William says he doesn't read my blog anymore to prevent getting pissed off so I can safely talk about him & us here. On this entry I expect some FEEDBACK. Everyone who stops by here, please LEAVE A COMMENT with your advice/opinion or I'm gonna pluck off your feathers & de-glitter them! *evil glare* Mwahaha. The longer comment the better...you'll really really help me out a lot with it. ^^ Thanks in advance. ^.^ *bows*
We've started anew in the end of Easter. The few days of the beginning of our "new start" were nice & I felt like it's back to the 'old love' again.
However...it was just an illusion. -_-
Our communication isn't good. We're still talking rather bitterly, I'm still sarcastic & Will still talks things which can piss me off..well & he often puts things like he's the poor mistreated guy and I'm the evil bitch (that is surely true in some cases but in all..?! No way.)
I don't like it & I don't feel happy in this kind of relationship.
I've never been married (THANK GOD) but now I feel like married for 40 years to Will. You know what I mean? If you don't know, read some jokes about married couples. Those describe it perfectly. -_-
If you ask me whether I can feel the love from each of us...no, I can't. Maybe care but love? What's that? ._.
Maybe I love him. I'm saying maybe cuz me myself can't tell. I surely care for him & wish him only the best but love..oh...I don't know. O_O
You know, when we were after the "break-up", I was crying all night long like fuck and felt like I can't live without him..and it was hurting me damn much that he has decided to erase me from his life for good. I didn't want me to be erased by him - I wanted him as my friend..just don't forget me...no no..that's like a sharp spear to my heart, that's just too crude. x_x
Here I come to a point where I ask myself another thing:
Do I love him & that's why I don't want to end this even when I'm unhappy in it OR am I just too weak & scared to end it, forget him forever and move on?
Tough stuff this one...and to be honest, I think it's the latter. ._.
I'm too weak, scared & sensitive. I'm scared of losing someone I've shared my life & heart with for already 11 months and I'm too weak to accept that it's the end. I'm too weak to bear that he'll never ever appear in front of my eyes again & because I still care for him...I'm too scared to let him go...I don't want to lose touch with him, I want to be there for him cuz what if something happens? I wish to be there to help him & support him..
But this much care...isn't it love?
I wish it could be like with Pom. But the problem there is that it wasn't a real relationship...at least not from my side. *duh* It was more like "lalala, oooh, you said I'm cute & you love me & you know what, maybe I love you too so let's date~" what - you must admit - is rather stupid.
Maybe he'd wanna erase me from his life too if we were in a normal relationship...just like he now blocked his ex-gf & forgot her...that bitch hurted him a lot so it's understandable.
Eh, I digressed.
What I wanted to say is that...
Me & Pom are GREAT friends now. Really great. ^.^ We trust each other 100%, we really really like each other, we ask each other for advices (Pom used to tell me about his probs with gfs and ask me for advice and I use to do that too, he was SMSing me all down when his grandpa died & so on..) & we're both always happy to meet - whether online or in real in Dec.
I love that things are like this cuz just as I don't want to lose Will from my sight & I didn't want to lose Pom. He's someone I know for already 4 years and for all of that time we've never lost touch with each other - not even after the 'break-up'.
But this William thing... I really really don't know what to do.
When my heart is confused then what can I do? Actually my heart is way schizophrenic & its 'heartsonalities' (Heart's personalities, get it? ^^) are mumbling things like:
H1: "You're not happy with him. Why do you suffer with him, bitchie? Why?! Just kick him outta your life, stop whining, stop thinking 24/7 about what to do with you & him, forget him & move on. He's treating you the way you don't like and you see that it all isn't working. You two are way too different to get on together. Yes, at 1st it was beautiful but don't forget that you were alone 10 000km away from your parents & cuz you were crazy in love you were closing eyes before all of the things you disliked at him. Darling, love is blind & deaf. Geddit finally. There are many fish in the sea - or do you really want to naively believe that people in 21st century find their true loves at the 1st pick? This is reality my dear & NOT a fairy tale. All his whining, self-pitying, putting dirty socks on table, talking about the same things all over again, immature behaviour, naivity, chicken personality - if you know that you mind it all WHY are you still with him?! Move on, you bitch. You're NOT for each other."
H2: "Stay with him. It's been 11 months with him - how can you give up now?! Do you remember those beautiful times you had when you was in KL in summer? Yes, it's past but why can't the present be like that too? You bitch, it's YOU who's treating him like a shit. Slap yourself & wake up, OK?! If you behave normally again, you'll see that love blooming like it was before. Why are you so sarcastic anyways?! Why do you laugh at him & look down at him from time to time?! Why, oh WHY can't you be sweet & nice & understanding like before?! Why are you so straightforward & bitchy and cause him a heartache he doesn't deserve?! Yes, he's immature, naive & a chicken but people grow up and change. Don't end this - you've loved so many things at him...he's still one wonderful great guy and he loves you. He'll grow up and change and he won't be naive & immature anymore. Give it time & stay with him. You ARE for each other only you don't know how to behave in a relationship, you know? You won't find anyone better than him. NEVER. Cherish this love. He's GREAT."
Please, someone tell me what to do.
I'm really hopelessly confused & I hate it...I'm hanging in the middle and it's bitter.
There are two roads - or H1 & H2 - in front of me & I don't know which one to choose... I can't walk on the road between the two. It leads to nowhere, you know?
Road H1 may lead to many things. Some tears & a peace in my heart. More time living a real life & less time stuck to MSN. A very practical thing - less nasty fone bills. A harmonious happy relationship may be awaiting me too - sometime in the future.
Road H2 leads to this feeling of not-knowing-what-to-do. It also leads to Will in my life - and I'm happy that he's there although I'm not sure if he weren't just a better friend (but imagining him finding a gf is not too pleasant to me as well - I feel like killing her even tho he still has me!). It leads to having someone there when I study in KL & that's way kool cuz when I'm studying in KL we can finally forget MSN & have a normal relationship! ^^
Just now we're talking and it's not so bad. It's actually kinda fine! O_O *gasp* I can't say that it's totally perfect but..but...it's fine. ^^ I'm actually SMILING & I sent a virtual KISS to Will & when I was typing up the heart icon (L), I didn't feel like I'm forcing myself to that!!!! O_O ^_____^ So kool & shocking! O_O ^____^
On the other hand... This is what I saw in a random magazine recently: "If one day you feel like you love your man & the next day he's annoying you horribly and you're asking yourself why are you with him, then he's not the right one for you."
Food for thought? O_o
Help me. Help me cuz I'm HOPELESSLY CONFUSED!!!! Please! *bangs head*
Listening to: "Running Away From The Sun" by Bi. BEAUTIFUL. *melts* ^_^
Yay!: We went out to bike today. I hope I got tanned a bit - I really look like a ghost after 5 months of winter. @_@ Oh & I've found Jong Moon's addy. For WHOLE THE TIME it was in my addressbook!!!!! *faints* I wrote him a card & I'm off to send it on Monday. ^^
Grrrr: Oh my poor legs! 15kms is not much but oh my legs! *sniff*
- Mary J. Blige - "The Breakthrough"
- go to Koh Samet with Pom & his friends - I NEED some crystal blue sea! u_u *_* ^^
- 2hrs long Thai massage *oh my legs!*
- visit Jong Moon oppa in Seoul. I miss him. T_T
- Kenzoki *_* (Yes, I'm vain! ^^)
- that green eyeshadow I saw recently
- all possible K-pop CDs available!!!!!! Maybe except of ChaeYeon (crap), Koyote & err..that's it haha. XD