Saturday, April 22, 2006

Two roads ahead - only one is the right one. Which?

William says he doesn't read my blog anymore to prevent getting pissed off so I can safely talk about him & us here. On this entry I expect some FEEDBACK. Everyone who stops by here, please LEAVE A COMMENT with your advice/opinion or I'm gonna pluck off your feathers & de-glitter them! *evil glare* Mwahaha. The longer comment the'll really really help me out a lot with it. ^^ Thanks in advance. ^.^ *bows*

We've started anew in the end of Easter. The few days of the beginning of our "new start" were nice & I felt like it's back to the 'old love' again. was just an illusion. -_-

Our communication isn't good. We're still talking rather bitterly, I'm still sarcastic & Will still talks things which can piss me off..well & he often puts things like he's the poor mistreated guy and I'm the evil bitch (that is surely true in some cases but in all..?! No way.)
I don't like it & I don't feel happy in this kind of relationship.

I've never been married (THANK GOD) but now I feel like married for 40 years to Will. You know what I mean? If you don't know, read some jokes about married couples. Those describe it perfectly. -_-

If you ask me whether I can feel the love from each of, I can't. Maybe care but love? What's that? ._.
Maybe I love him. I'm saying maybe cuz me myself can't tell. I surely care for him & wish him only the best but love..oh...I don't know. O_O

You know, when we were after the "break-up", I was crying all night long like fuck and felt like I can't live without him..and it was hurting me damn much that he has decided to erase me from his life for good. I didn't want me to be erased by him - I wanted him as my friend..just don't forget no..that's like a sharp spear to my heart, that's just too crude. x_x

Here I come to a point where I ask myself another thing:

Do I love him & that's why I don't want to end this even when I'm unhappy in it OR am I just too weak & scared to end it, forget him forever and move on?

Tough stuff this one...and to be honest, I think it's the latter. ._.
I'm too weak, scared & sensitive. I'm scared of losing someone I've shared my life & heart with for already 11 months and I'm too weak to accept that it's the end. I'm too weak to bear that he'll never ever appear in front of my eyes again & because I still care for him...I'm too scared to let him go...I don't want to lose touch with him, I want to be there for him cuz what if something happens? I wish to be there to help him & support him..

But this much care...isn't it love?

I wish it could be like with Pom. But the problem there is that it wasn't a real least not from my side. *duh* It was more like "lalala, oooh, you said I'm cute & you love me & you know what, maybe I love you too so let's date~" what - you must admit - is rather stupid.
Maybe he'd wanna erase me from his life too if we were in a normal relationship...just like he now blocked his ex-gf & forgot her...that bitch hurted him a lot so it's understandable.

Eh, I digressed.
What I wanted to say is that...
Me & Pom are GREAT friends now. Really great. ^.^ We trust each other 100%, we really really like each other, we ask each other for advices (Pom used to tell me about his probs with gfs and ask me for advice and I use to do that too, he was SMSing me all down when his grandpa died & so on..) & we're both always happy to meet - whether online or in real in Dec.
I love that things are like this cuz just as I don't want to lose Will from my sight & I didn't want to lose Pom. He's someone I know for already 4 years and for all of that time we've never lost touch with each other - not even after the 'break-up'.

But this William thing... I really really don't know what to do.
When my heart is confused then what can I do? Actually my heart is way schizophrenic & its 'heartsonalities' (Heart's personalities, get it? ^^) are mumbling things like:

H1: "You're not happy with him. Why do you suffer with him, bitchie? Why?! Just kick him outta your life, stop whining, stop thinking 24/7 about what to do with you & him, forget him & move on. He's treating you the way you don't like and you see that it all isn't working. You two are way too different to get on together. Yes, at 1st it was beautiful but don't forget that you were alone 10 000km away from your parents & cuz you were crazy in love you were closing eyes before all of the things you disliked at him. Darling, love is blind & deaf. Geddit finally. There are many fish in the sea - or do you really want to naively believe that people in 21st century find their true loves at the 1st pick? This is reality my dear & NOT a fairy tale. All his whining, self-pitying, putting dirty socks on table, talking about the same things all over again, immature behaviour, naivity, chicken personality - if you know that you mind it all WHY are you still with him?! Move on, you bitch. You're NOT for each other."

H2: "Stay with him. It's been 11 months with him - how can you give up now?! Do you remember those beautiful times you had when you was in KL in summer? Yes, it's past but why can't the present be like that too? You bitch, it's YOU who's treating him like a shit. Slap yourself & wake up, OK?! If you behave normally again, you'll see that love blooming like it was before. Why are you so sarcastic anyways?! Why do you laugh at him & look down at him from time to time?! Why, oh WHY can't you be sweet & nice & understanding like before?! Why are you so straightforward & bitchy and cause him a heartache he doesn't deserve?! Yes, he's immature, naive & a chicken but people grow up and change. Don't end this - you've loved so many things at him...he's still one wonderful great guy and he loves you. He'll grow up and change and he won't be naive & immature anymore. Give it time & stay with him. You ARE for each other only you don't know how to behave in a relationship, you know? You won't find anyone better than him. NEVER. Cherish this love. He's GREAT."

HAIYAH. *sigh*
Please, someone tell me what to do.
I'm really hopelessly confused & I hate it...I'm hanging in the middle and it's bitter.

There are two roads - or H1 & H2 - in front of me & I don't know which one to choose... I can't walk on the road between the two. It leads to nowhere, you know?

Road H1 may lead to many things. Some tears & a peace in my heart. More time living a real life & less time stuck to MSN. A very practical thing - less nasty fone bills. A harmonious happy relationship may be awaiting me too - sometime in the future.

Road H2 leads to this feeling of not-knowing-what-to-do. It also leads to Will in my life - and I'm happy that he's there although I'm not sure if he weren't just a better friend (but imagining him finding a gf is not too pleasant to me as well - I feel like killing her even tho he still has me!). It leads to having someone there when I study in KL & that's way kool cuz when I'm studying in KL we can finally forget MSN & have a normal relationship! ^^

Oooooohhh... *news*
Just now we're talking and it's not so bad. It's actually kinda fine! O_O *gasp* I can't say that it's totally perfect's fine. ^^ I'm actually SMILING & I sent a virtual KISS to Will & when I was typing up the heart icon (L), I didn't feel like I'm forcing myself to that!!!! O_O ^_____^ So kool & shocking! O_O ^____^

On the other hand... This is what I saw in a random magazine recently: "If one day you feel like you love your man & the next day he's annoying you horribly and you're asking yourself why are you with him, then he's not the right one for you."

Food for thought? O_o

Help me. Help me cuz I'm HOPELESSLY CONFUSED!!!! Please! *bangs head*

Listening to: "Running Away From The Sun" by Bi. BEAUTIFUL. *melts* ^_^
Yay!: We went out to bike today. I hope I got tanned a bit - I really look like a ghost after 5 months of winter. @_@ Oh & I've found Jong Moon's addy. For WHOLE THE TIME it was in my addressbook!!!!! *faints* I wrote him a card & I'm off to send it on Monday. ^^
Grrrr: Oh my poor legs! 15kms is not much but oh my legs! *sniff*

  • Mary J. Blige - "The Breakthrough"
  • sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • go to Koh Samet with Pom & his friends - I NEED some crystal blue sea! u_u *_* ^^
  • 2hrs long Thai massage *oh my legs!*
  • visit Jong Moon oppa in Seoul. I miss him. T_T
  • Kenzoki *_* (Yes, I'm vain! ^^)
  • that green eyeshadow I saw recently
  • all possible K-pop CDs available!!!!!! Maybe except of ChaeYeon (crap), Koyote & err..that's it haha. XD


Anonymous said...

Hmm... Okay, you know I've never been in a real relationship yet. =P I don't consider that thing with Lei as a real relationship... The whole time I was in it, I was thinking of ways to get out of it. :x Remember? I thought it was flattering to have someone who liked me, and everyone tells me that it's better to have someone who loves you even though you don't love him, than to have someone who doesn't love you even though you love him very much. :x But it's not true... You have to love the person to last with him. ^^;;

Anyways... Okay, here's my piece. ^^ If I were in your shoes, then I'd, erm, end it. :x Sorry if I sound too blunt. ^^;; But from what I've seen with other people... If you really love the person, then you'll be able to accept all of their flaws, PLUS do anything to avoid spats or arguments. :x

My mother tells me that if you don't like this certain quality in a person, then don't pick someone who has it then try to make him change. Lemme put it this way... If you don't like long hair on guys, then don't date someone with long hair, then force him to get a haircut. ._.;; It won't work.

But from what I've seen, Ray has what you're looking for in a guy, so I guess that's not the problem. ^^;;

BUT. But (haha, I overuse the word "but" T_T)... But if you really love a person, then you'll be able to accept all of their flaws. Of course, arguments will pop up. But you should be able to fix them, no matter what. My mom and dad (back when my dad was alive ^^;;) had this rule to their marriage, and my mother swears it worked wonders for their relationship. It goes, "Never go to bed without resolving any disagreements." If possible, talk it over while you're lying in bed together, waiting for you to fall asleep. :x That way, you talk things over and air both sides of an argument, and it's a surefire way to make sure that you two will make up. ^^ The two of you are bound to come to an agreement without getting into a fight that way, since you can't really yell at each other or something (because the neighbors are sleeping =P) so you're bound to talk about it in a peaceful manner. ^^

If you end up arguing everytime you talk, then your relationship is bound to go nowhere... :( If you can't fix your arguments, then how will you be happy? Relationships are based on love, care and hope, not arguments (which destroy them). I know disagreements are normal in relationships, but having them every single time you talk is unhealthy. o.o;;

A relationship is supposed to make you happy. It's supposed to be your source of strength. Above all, it's a mutual thing. :x Both of you have to work on it so it'll work out for both of you. ^^

I'd advise you to think about it like 10 times more over. =P If you still think you're unhappy, then end it. But if you think it could still work out and you're just stuck in one of those relationship ruts (it happens, it's normal), then stay. :)

Besides, it's possible to stay friends with Ray even if things don't work out, right? I mean, you're still friends with Pom. :) So if you're worried about losing Ray, then don't worry. It's not like you're going to lose him forever. And if you do... Then maybe you two didn't really love each other in the first place. :x You should be mature enough to make amends and be friends after a break-up, right? ^^ Don't be like Lei and me... He's too childishly stubborn to be friends with his "ex" and I don't have any idea why, but I'm not making the first move to be friendly with him again because I know he'll misinterpret it and think that I want to get back into a relationship with him but I really don't because I like G very much and I want to be in a relationship with him instead, but he's nowhere to be found at the moment because we're both taking summer classes and I'm too busy to look for him so I can talk to him... Haha, run-on sentence. Bad grammar. I'm pissing myself off. -_-;;


Good luck! Jia you! Hwaiting! :D

Just think about it a little bit more... Don't make rash decisions. ^^ Before you make a decision, think, "Will I regret this after a month? A year? Two years?" Okay? ^^

*hugs you*

-Justine ^^

Princess Mich said...


Thanks thanks thanks. ^__^
You've helped me out a lot, really.....thanks a million, Mrs. Shim. ^____^


ray said...