Midnight's Sentimental Depressive Quack

It seems like not only my lovely ducky sista Nisah thinks that I look HAWT with this black hair - today I've caught the attention of at least 4 men who stared at me & gasped!!!! Gasped! Yeah! Hahah, 2 of them were disgusting workers, but still. XD One (not a worker) looked relatively good & the other one was just average. No comment to the workers. Not my stuff. :P

What would S say on that?! O_o

I AM SO IRRITATING, I MUST STOP THIS ENDLESS WONDERING ON WHAT WOULD A GUY WHO HAD NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF ME TELL ON THIS & THAT!! WTP AAARGGHHH, I'M SUCH A PATHETIC FOOL!!! *mumbles angrily*

I'm thinking of having my hair cut a bit. I think that it's too plain now, like a black helmet. I'd prefer something a bit more playful & stylish. Now I look like a young whore & that's pathetic. :P

Anyways, blahblah.
See my today's (May 23) horoscope:

"Being a joiner isn't for everyone, but you should consider aligning yourself with a group today. There are many perks you're missing out on, including the fact that seeing a group of diverse people on a regular basis will open your world to all sorts of exciting new stimulation. Seek out groups based around topics or issues you're interested in - or a pastime you enjoy. Dancing lessons might also be a fun way to learn and exercise while you discover a new passion."

Who says that horoscopes are a crap?! *uhm, me sometimes, hahauhm*

Dance?? Dance? Me & dance? Whohooo. Sounds interesting!
And opening my world to all sorts of new exciting things....yes...I know I need it already. *sigh* A group of diverse people...mmm...ohh, how I wish I could change the everyday's routine!

I wish I could fly to Paris now (or London! Great city!) & be myself, not to care about anything, try out all new things, lay on a grass in a park watching the clouds on the sky... Mentioning the sky....taking pics of the sky has became my new hobby. ^_^

Why sky??
Who knows. Maybe it's a silent cry of my subconsciousness to be free, clean & beautiful, for I'm taking pics only of beautiful blue skies.

This is the sky at Hviezdoslavovo namestie. Pic taken while I was laying on the bench waiting for my friend Paula to show up. So distant, deep & eternal it seems, don't you think? I LOVE IT. I love the sky, both in the day & night.

I'm free. Technically.
Practically? No.
I'm still occupied by my little big problems.. I fear solitude, for in solitude (that's usually in the evenings & nights) I'm thinking yet again of them.

...Of how I miss Ray & even though I don't love him anymore, I so much would like to know what's with him, how's he doing...I so much would like to dare to email him, saying just few words of care & friendship...
...Of how I wish S & me will be together one day...
...Of how I wish I could hug Tomas one day, whisper "Hi brother ^_^" into his ear, feel loved by him & love him back and just...just fucking know him.

*sigh*

My mind is all occupied by these 3 men (what an irony! I say that men are bastards & yet they're making me cry, hope, love, bang head, laugh, drool....) & I dunno what to do with it.

I. JUST. DON'T. KNOW.
Tengo ni idea!

Can anybody please help me out? What would you do in my place?
Once again, my place means that you miss & care for your ex-bf but you don't dare to contact him, the one you like since you were 11 would never like you back & your own half-brother doesn't even bother to reply to your SMS.

._.'''

Fine, I've wiped the tears (I'm such a weakling) & I can continue on ranting & blabbing rather randomly. *sigh*

Everytime I'm taking a shower and the water is pouring down on my naked body, I'm repeating myself this mantra:
"With this water the dirt of the day, the thoughts of R, S & your brother are being washed away.. You're again clean, pure & ready to start all over."

The truth?! The dirt of the day is washed away but NOT the rest. The rest stays, like a mud glued to my heart & mind. ._.

Oh well. I guess I just have to survive. Life has never been easy & never will. My mistake is, that I'm oversensitive & everything affects me way too much. Another mistake of mine is, that no matter how hard am I trying to forget it all, I CAN'T!!!!! Argh!

On the other hand, without past, there's no presence. -_-

Am I being depressive here?
*sigh* Sorry. I have these three big burdens on my heart now & I'm trying to cope. Duh~

Wish me luck!!!!




TOMAS, you fucker, you're hurting me so fucking much, I wish you could suffer as much as I'm suffering now (cuz of you!) in order to fucking understand how is it!!!!



Listening to: "Princesse Nubienne" by Les Nubians. I love them. :)
Yay!: Erm, no school tmr.
Grrr: Read this entry. =_=