Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Midnight's Sentimental Depressive Quack

It seems like not only my lovely ducky sista Nisah thinks that I look HAWT with this black hair - today I've caught the attention of at least 4 men who stared at me & gasped!!!! Gasped! Yeah! Hahah, 2 of them were disgusting workers, but still. XD One (not a worker) looked relatively good & the other one was just average. No comment to the workers. Not my stuff. :P

What would S say on that?! O_o


I'm thinking of having my hair cut a bit. I think that it's too plain now, like a black helmet. I'd prefer something a bit more playful & stylish. Now I look like a young whore & that's pathetic. :P

Anyways, blahblah.
See my today's (May 23) horoscope:

"Being a joiner isn't for everyone, but you should consider aligning yourself with a group today. There are many perks you're missing out on, including the fact that seeing a group of diverse people on a regular basis will open your world to all sorts of exciting new stimulation. Seek out groups based around topics or issues you're interested in - or a pastime you enjoy. Dancing lessons might also be a fun way to learn and exercise while you discover a new passion."

Who says that horoscopes are a crap?! *uhm, me sometimes, hahauhm*

Dance?? Dance? Me & dance? Whohooo. Sounds interesting!
And opening my world to all sorts of new exciting things....yes...I know I need it already. *sigh* A group of diverse people...mmm...ohh, how I wish I could change the everyday's routine!

I wish I could fly to Paris now (or London! Great city!) & be myself, not to care about anything, try out all new things, lay on a grass in a park watching the clouds on the sky... Mentioning the sky....taking pics of the sky has became my new hobby. ^_^

Why sky??
Who knows. Maybe it's a silent cry of my subconsciousness to be free, clean & beautiful, for I'm taking pics only of beautiful blue skies.

This is the sky at Hviezdoslavovo namestie. Pic taken while I was laying on the bench waiting for my friend Paula to show up. So distant, deep & eternal it seems, don't you think? I LOVE IT. I love the sky, both in the day & night.

I'm free. Technically.
Practically? No.
I'm still occupied by my little big problems.. I fear solitude, for in solitude (that's usually in the evenings & nights) I'm thinking yet again of them.

...Of how I miss Ray & even though I don't love him anymore, I so much would like to know what's with him, how's he doing...I so much would like to dare to email him, saying just few words of care & friendship...
...Of how I wish S & me will be together one day...
...Of how I wish I could hug Tomas one day, whisper "Hi brother ^_^" into his ear, feel loved by him & love him back and just...just fucking know him.


My mind is all occupied by these 3 men (what an irony! I say that men are bastards & yet they're making me cry, hope, love, bang head, laugh, drool....) & I dunno what to do with it.

Tengo ni idea!

Can anybody please help me out? What would you do in my place?
Once again, my place means that you miss & care for your ex-bf but you don't dare to contact him, the one you like since you were 11 would never like you back & your own half-brother doesn't even bother to reply to your SMS.


Fine, I've wiped the tears (I'm such a weakling) & I can continue on ranting & blabbing rather randomly. *sigh*

Everytime I'm taking a shower and the water is pouring down on my naked body, I'm repeating myself this mantra:
"With this water the dirt of the day, the thoughts of R, S & your brother are being washed away.. You're again clean, pure & ready to start all over."

The truth?! The dirt of the day is washed away but NOT the rest. The rest stays, like a mud glued to my heart & mind. ._.

Oh well. I guess I just have to survive. Life has never been easy & never will. My mistake is, that I'm oversensitive & everything affects me way too much. Another mistake of mine is, that no matter how hard am I trying to forget it all, I CAN'T!!!!! Argh!

On the other hand, without past, there's no presence. -_-

Am I being depressive here?
*sigh* Sorry. I have these three big burdens on my heart now & I'm trying to cope. Duh~

Wish me luck!!!!

TOMAS, you fucker, you're hurting me so fucking much, I wish you could suffer as much as I'm suffering now (cuz of you!) in order to fucking understand how is it!!!!

Listening to: "Princesse Nubienne" by Les Nubians. I love them. :)
Yay!: Erm, no school tmr.
Grrr: Read this entry. =_=

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