Monday, May 15, 2006

Over & Done

I just did it.

I broke up with R.
For REAL now.

He even had the guts to start accusing me of how he hated my behaviour in the last few weeks anyways & how he was trying to change for me & I didn't do anything & so on. PATHETIC. I know that it's just a cover up & he's hurting but - but...can I avoid hurting him?
I would have been hurting him (and myself too) much more, if I pretended my 'eternal love' and stayed in the relationship.

I'm sad & I feel a bit lonely but I know that what I've done was wise. On the break-up No. 1 I wasn't prepared for that & I didn't know what to a weakling I begged R to come back and he did and we believed at first that we would be fine but we didn't.
C'est la vie.
People don't change... I was thinking about break-up for so many times..then when it happened for the 1st time, I was too weak...R suggested it and even though I wanted it, I was hurt & it was me who initialized it & that certainly feels better, but R...he...he must be the one hurt now. *sigh*

I'm sorry, dear R.
I still like you & care for you but I can't seem to awaken the love.

One day, when you'll feel like it, contact me. I'll unblock your MSN addy when certain time passes...and if you'll want to talk to me then, I'll be glad.

Now I must MOVE ON & SMILE.

The sun is still shining.
The birds are still chirping.
The flowers are still blooming.
The clouds are still beautiful.
The Earth is still spinning.
The gravity is still the same (9,81 m/s).
The life of mine is still unpredictable & surely full of joy.
The friends of mine are still here for me & I still love them.
The family of mine is still here for me & I still love them.

When I wake up tommorrow, it'll be the 1st full day without the LDR going nowhere.
Will I feel better? Will I not miss him? Yes, I will miss him. I got used to his online presence & presence in SMSes so much & now I won't be even able to contact him (I've never remembered his cellphone number).

But should I cry & give up hope & joy & die of sadness?

No, I should not.

He's sad now & I'm down as well...but after some time passes, we'll both know that separating had been the best thing for both of us.

I can admit now, that I wanted to go study at Cenfad cuz of him as well. I finally wanted this LDR to end & start a normal when it's over, I should keep in mind the same school, only in the different area - Paris.

Many things have changed.
I think that I'll be able to come to Malaysia only after few years.. Malaysia means him & he means...well, I feel guilty & in the same time I feel free & satisfied...for him as well, for he doesn't have to suffer anymore.

A big burden has fallen down from my heart.

I won't have to be stuck to the PC right after my schoo... If I'll be, it'll be for my dearest duckies hubooby, baibee, ducky sis, Pom, Kuc, UE & Tsung Long.
I won't have to question myself over & over again whether we're fine together or no...whether we'll change or no...whether we have a future or no.
Now I know we don't.

Goodbye, my friend.
It hurts to say these words but I know that you never want to see me again. Be happy & safe.


Please, my friends, slap (or hug) me well in case I'll be falling into endless sadness or something! Remind me of the fact that if we were not meant to be, then we were not.

I bought a black hair color & I'm gonna try it on during the weekend or maybe even earlier, if I feel like it. We women have one certain weirdness - when something significant happens in our lifes, we tend to experiment with our hair. I'm no exception.
I'll become Sexy Black Haired Fair Skinned Duckling when I dye my hair. I promise I'll post pics then.

Listening to: nothing
Yay!: The burden has fallen down
Grrr: I feel so guilty. ._.
TMR: "Polarisation" - short assignment for Physics!!!!!

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